Week 5 - Session 4 - (10/09/2013)

Session 4 - Heart to Heart Connections

10-9-2013

• Connection - The Goal of a Relationship
• The Best Kept Secret
• Languages of Love
• Clean up your messes

I love what Shane said, it so so true...   He said he wished the section on Heart-to-Heart Connections was first because without a heart to heart connection, the one liners often sound like sarcasm.   

Connection - The Goal of a Relationship

I love what Shane said, it so so true...   He said he wished the section on Heart-to-Heart Connections was first because without a heart to heart connection, the one liners often sound like sarcasm.  

Sometimes we turn the LOVE switch off.  We need to be self-aware enough to catch then we we disconnect. We need to SNAP that switch to the ALWAYS ON mode.

You need to determine your goal in your relationship and categorize it as one of the following: 

1. Safe Distance
• the other person cannot do anything to connect with you
• you say, "If they do this or that, then I'll do this or that" - but what you are essentially saying is that person controls you.
• this goal automatically creates anxiety
• God cannot connect with you, either
2. Strong Loving connection

Always pay attention to your goal when your child

• makes a mistake
• scares you
• hurts you

When a disconnect occurs, the first priority should be to get that connection back.  The WORST thing you can do when the connection is gone is to try to work on the problem.  You each have to get back to the belief that "you love me" and "I love you" and settle down that amygdala.  Remember that perfect love casts out fear.

 

The Best Kept Secret

Life is all about love.

Because I love you, I am going to go out of my way to learn to show you love that way that you hear it... the way that you feel it.

Languages of Love

This is true for all types of relationships:  parent/child, marriage, friendships, coworkers... etc.

Speaking to someone in their language is helpful if you want to get a specific message across.

Here is the video we saw in class:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yR0lWICH3rY

It is important to understand the language of the person you are in any relationship with in order to create, restore, and/or strengthen the connection.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

You can also test on your apology language... just click on PROFILES in the menu, and select APOLOGY.

You might not be trying to send rejection messages to the other person in your relationship, but by acting certain ways or saying certain things... you ARE sending the rejection message.

1. Gifts
• The gifts is a token expressing my understanding of who you are
• "You thought of me"
• "You know me enough to buy me something that is special to me"
• Video shown during class: http://www.tvspots.tv/video/20800/nestle--sharing
• Kiss of Death when someone speaks this language:  
• I forgot it was your birthday
• can we do this tomorrow
• poor gift
2. Physical Touch
• Video shown during class: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKl_5y8J82Q 
• Physical contact is how you feel affection, connected
• Kiss of Death when someone speaks this language:  
• Get off me
• Stop it, you're going to get me dirty
• stop, I'm hot
• Yes, you do need to set some boundaries, but at the same time, it should not be a habit of DON'T TOUCH ME.  There is a delicate balance
3. Acts of Service
• like to be helped
• video from class: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5G3DFutOls
• knowing what they need without having to be asked, anticipating needs
• Kiss of Death when someone speaks this language:  
• Not doing things to help
• impartial or negative responses to requests for help
4. Words of Affirmation
• The other person nourished by the idea that you like them, enjoy them
• video from class (just watch first 1:08 minutes): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cbk980jV7Ao
• Kiss of Death when someone speaks this language:  
• criticism
• disapproval/correction
• words of anger
• Criticism needs to be packed in a HERO sandwich
• Top Bread: I love you, you're amazing
• Meat:  That thing you're doing is not working for me
• Bottom Bread: I love you, you're amazing.
5. Quality Time
• Video shown during class:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RuMdIxKnqz8 
• They want you to be ENGAGED with them.
• They want to show you something, or want you to do something with them
• They want to be interesting to you
• They want to run down their list of everything that happened to them today.
• Kiss of Death when someone speaks this language:  
• I don't have time
• not paying attention
• doing it, but obviously not into it

Each person can be a mixture of these, but generally one or two is prevalent in each person.  It is important to know the love language of the other person.  The website above can help you identify them.  

• People generally speak in the language they hear.  How do they intuitively show love to you?  Then that is probably how they will hear love from you.
• In the book "Five Love Languages", it also says the people who have been without love for a particularly long time, might need all 5 until they have healed to a point where they can figure out which one is prevalent.

A video of recordings where Danny teaches about practicing speaking "I love you messages"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbk1Q5we-Yo 

Q&A Session where Danny answers questions about love languages

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NDCHNzxYzeg

DID YOU KNOW THEY WRITE KIDS BOOKS, TOO!  Listen to Danny reading a kids book he wrote:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ag1Yl8jdln4

Clean up your Messes

Regardless of the correct, keep the love switch on.  "my love connection with you is so powerful, it drives away fear.

Communicating that you are sorry about disconnects is important.  If you are not sure about what caused the disconnect, you could ask your child to help you understand.

With each communication, you are either moving toward connection or away from it.... Clean up your mess... apologize.

Your Sister In Christ,

Sandra

Week 4 - Session 3 - (10/02/2013)

Session 3 - No Fear in Love

• Intimidation and Fear
• The Great Lie
• Choices and Freedom
• Successful Parenting

There is a constant battle between fear and love.

Intimidation and Fear

Video illustrating Fear:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3dOrA2RWO4

There were a few Videos sent with the notes on Session 1 that refer to Red Truck/Yellow Truck, Living Free, Creating Connections and Instructing with the eyeball.  This would be a great time to review them.

The following Video discusses Fear and The fear Reflex (it was also in posted in Session 1),  The screen prints below are from that Video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-S_6YkApf0c

We trigger a panic response, a natural response within every human.  And a child is a human.

There is a something planted in your brain called an Amygdala.  When your Amygdala gets high-jacked, you become disconnected.  It happens when you get startled, you just react.   You go into survival mode and prepare to fight for your life.  

When your child says "I have had enough of being afraid of you".  We call it rebellion.  

I set you up to give me your worst, and then I punish your worst.  

This might fit into our current culture.  And it might fit our FALSE Paradigm of God, but it is not NOT HEAVEN.  

1 John 4:18 (KJV)

18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

The Great Lie

• Violence = Power
• Anger = Power
• You can be controlled by other people
• Therefore, you can control other people

The truth:

• It is your job to do something
• it is NOT your job to get others to do something
• Shared Control = I am FREE, You are FREE

Choices and Freedom

How does God Love, Parent, and govern you?  With Unconditional love and trusting you with a whole "lotta" freedom.

• It is your job to do something
• it is NOT your job to get others to do something
• Shared Control = I am FREE, You are FREE

How do we introduce practices that decrease anxiety and increase love connection (the safe place)

OFFER CHOICES

Examples:  Here are you choices:  A or B.

They Say 'C'

Repeat over and over, if needed.  Here are you choices:  A or B.

or "How would you like to sit in that chair until you chose A or B."

Feel free to get out of the chair when you chose A or B.

If they won't sit in the chair:  You have a choice, sit in the chair by yourself, or sit in it with me holding you in it.

Fun to be with example:

Dinner routine is to have a desert.  Danny's son only ate dinner for the desert, because he could not have desert if he didn't eat his dinner.  So while he is eating dinner, he is making faces, moaning, whining... His mom says "You are not very fun to be with right now, you can choose to be fun to be with or to go to your room until you are fun to be with.

Chores Example 

Brittany's Mom reminded her over and over:  "Brittany, Dishes".  There was always an excuse, or an "I will".  But by the next morning, they were not done.  Sherry was very upset and asked Danny what he was going to do about it.  Since he handed it off to him, he took it.  He went down and did Brittany's 7 minute chore.  (they have a dishwasher).  

when Brittany got home with her friend, she asked to go to the mall.  He told her he did her a favor and took care of her dishes.  She said "OH NO you're going to trade me chores."  He nodded and gave her the choice of the trash shed or the chicken coop.   She looked at both, and decided on the chicken coop.  He asked if she wanted to do it today or tomorrow.  Her eyes brightened.... I can do it tomorrow???   Can I go to the mall??? He said if she wanted.... Of course, she was very happy.  

The next day, it poured and poured.  He gave her more choices... Raincoat or the nice jacket she was wearing?   Rain boots or the nice shoes she was wearing?   Shovel or Rake.. of course she said both.   It took her 3 hours in the pouring rain.

The next time, however, when her Mom said "Brittany, Dishes" and Brittany did not respond.... Danny said "It's okay Brittany, I will do your chore....  Of course Brittany came running and said "Oh No, don't you touch my dishes!"   

Successful Parenting

Set firm limits 

Give Choices within limits

Let the consequences mixed with empathy be the teacher

Protect the connection you have with your kids by lowering anxiety, accepting that kids will make mistakes.

In Christ,

Sandra

Week 3 - Session 2 - (9/25/2013)

This past session consisted mostly of tools.

No bible verses were displayed, and no videos were available to help refresh our minds.  Loving on Purpose only allows so many video portions to be distributed, so I might not find too many more on this particular book.  But here are my notes in case you missed something:

https://www.facebook.com/loveandlogicinstitute?ref=stream

https://www.facebook.com/LovingOnPurpose?ref=profile

Session Two - Language of Empowerment

• Behaviors
• Learning the Language
• Mistake Management

Remember the KEY is 

• to manage yourself no matter what your children do.  You are the only one you can control.  Your children need to learn to manage themselves.  
• Transfer control of your children's problems back to them.  You are a resource for them, not solving it for them because they do not learn anything that way.
• Let them live their lives in front of you, acknowledging that they will be making mistakes (over and over) while they are learning.  But you love them through it anyway.
• GOAL:  NEVER TO HAVE ANOTHER ARGUMENT WITH A CHILD

You can teach an old dog new tricks:  See this video from Pet Star of a dog who exercises self control with a ball http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hYczb_I7QKk&list=PL2F0DCA7E60CC6E9A

Behaviors

List of behaviors the parents would like to see reduced/removed.  This list appears to be the same regardless of where the class is being held.

• Disrespect
• Chores
• Homework
• Defiance
• Backtalk
• Lying
• Hitting/Bullying
• Low Self Esteem

Learning the Language

One-Liners (originated from Love and Logic).  These are in response to children's attempts to argue with you.  "I love you too much to argue with you"  I will never try to control your thinking, but I will always be an influence, and interject if needed.   

• I know
• Probably so
• That could be
• I don't know
• Nice Try

when they question "Why?", this isn't really a question.  It is a statement of disapproval of your decision making process.  This is a power struggle.  They just want another answer.  "I am not going to participate in a disrespectful power struggle with you".

Mistake Management

• Oh No!     (I'm sad for you because there are consequences that usually follows these mistakes)
• What are you going to do?  (You have the power to solve your problem.  I am sure you will do a good job. I am here to help if you need.  I love you.)
• If they say "I don't know", you can have the key to their heart when you help them with solutions.  
• How is that going to work for you?  (when they come up with some of their own solutions, you might need to say this)
• keep leading them to solve their own problem.  When they want you to do it, let them know that you don't have a problem, they do.  "I know where my backpack is"  "I don't have homework" etc.
• When they say:  "You want me to ...."  you can say "you don't HAVE to"
• If it is their night to do the dishes and they say "I am not doing them"  you say "No problem for me.. Possible problem coming up for you, though.  I love you very much. "  see pg 21.  
• SMILE, the one with NO PROBLEM is the one that smiles.  You don't have a problem, they do.

You are willing to help a person who has a problem, but you don't need to help if they don't have a problem.

Essentially you are saying, "I need you to fix your problem and clean up the mess.  I am here to help you, but I will not do it for you."

"Fun to be with" - There are two people in this relationship.  Respect goes both ways.  If you did not set limits early on, then you taught your child that there is only one person in this relationship that matters... THEM.

Summary

It is not a parent's job to control their child; it is a parent's job to teach them to control themselves and to be an example of what self-control looks like.

More links from Love and Logic Parenting:

http://www.loveandlogic.com/t-Free-Articles-and-Handouts-for-Parents.aspx#all

http://sunburst.usd.edu/~kreins/learningModules/Love&Logic.htm

http://www.sheknows.com/parenting/articles/3619/putting-an-end-to-backtalk-tips-for-handling-arguing-with-ease

http://www.slideshare.net/mttsn/love-and-logic-slides 

http://picforparents.areavoices.com/2011/05/09/becoming-a-love-and-logic-parent-module-1/

Also, I included many documents that Love and Logic put out regarding this topic.

Good Luck!  

Your Sister in Christ,

Sandra 

Week 2 - Session 1 - (9/18/2013)

Announcements:

There is a Youth Contest:  the winning parent gets a free date night.

Workbooks still not in.  Copies handed out, if you did not get one, please call Shane or Erica.

Homework:  questions in the handout

Attached is a free download for Chapter 1 of the the Loving Our Kids on Purpose book.

Session One:  Introduction to Loving our Kids on Purpose

Session Topics:

• Introduction
• New Covenant and the Father's Heart
• Freedom and Choices
• Fear of Punishment
• Heart-to-Heart Connection
• Keeping your Love on
• Key Ingredients to successful parenting

Introduction

How do we best present our Heavenly Father to our kids.  Whether we mean to or not, we project our View of God to our children.

"We don't know what we don't know".  We just reach into our tool-box, things we have seen in our lives, and we pull out our MOM.   After saying we will never be like our parents, we put her back in our tool box and reach in for something else and pull out our DAD.  We need to intentionally replace those tools.  We are marked with family perceptions during very young childhood.  Our experiences in life fill our toolbox regarding every aspect of life.  

Video:  POEM : What a mom would say in 24-hrs, condensed to 2 minutes and 55 seconds:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GE6EkAvV4-Y

As parents, we "gotta" get stuff done, and we need cooperation.  

"Your will be done in this house as I am sure it must be done in heaven"

Parenting begins in the way you perceive things, then the template given to you was influenced by your parents' paradigm.

In our toolbox, Dobson talks about spanking, but to hurt the will not the spirit.  How do you spank to hurt the will and not the spirit?  Danny Silk had to foster parents how to parent other people's children when they were not allowed to spank them.  This led him to do research.

Love and Logic - Foster Cline and Jim Faye. http://www.loveandlogic.com/     http://www.loveandlogic.com/t-factsheet.aspx 

New Covenant and the Father's Heart

The Heart of the Father :  Lasting Relationship, Covenant Momentum

HIS commitment is to put the same spirit in our children that HE put in us.  "Train them up in the way they should go and they shall not depart from it   "

“Behold, days are coming,” declares the Lord, “when I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel and with the house of Judah, not like the covenant which I made with their fathers in the day I took them by the hand to bring them out of the land of Egypt, My covenant which they broke, although I was a husband to them,” declares the Lord. “But this is the covenant which I will make with the house of Israel after those days,” declares the Lord, “I will put My law within them and on their heart I will write it; and I will be their God, and they shall be My people. “They will not teach again, each man his neighbor and each man his brother, saying, ‘Know the Lord,’ for they will all know Me, from the least of them to the greatest of them,” declares the Lord, “for I will forgive their iniquity, and their sin I will remember no more” (Jeremiah 31:31-34).

Transition from 

External	to	Internal Relationship
Law and Punishment	to	Living Inside us

Setting a true foundation  (video)  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZcGdKXQxqo 

Freedom and Choices

Fear of Punishment

Red Truck / Yellow Truck parenting

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lb8QEd0Rn8o

Living Free

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-S_6YkApf0c

Heart-to-Heart Connection

Creating Connections and Keeping them

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWNLIh0EHCA

I will instruct you with my eyeball:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rH9DXEk7jLI&list=PL4819DF6EC83081AE 

Keeping your love on

Key Ingredients to Successful Parenting

1. CONNECTION:  Heart to Heart
2. EMPOWERMENT:  "What are you going to do?"
3. SAFE PLACE:   "I can handle your mistakes."
4. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE:  "Nothing can separate you from my love."

Week 1 - Introduction (9/11/2013)

Hello, this is Sandra Rinehart.  I attend the "Loving Your Kids on Purpose" session being taught by Shane and Erica Madden.  In order to make sure I have your email address correct, please respond to this email.  I will also be sending a text message later today to make sure that I have your cell numbers correct.    I hope that is okay.  If any one has any problem with receiving text messages on their phone, please let me know.

If you haven't already done so, the $20 for the workbook can be paid to John Abner.

Some notes that might be helpful from yesterday's time together:

Loving Your Kids on Purpose  -  http://lovingonpurpose.com/  by Danny & Sheri Silk.

Here is the promo video we watched in church yesterday http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2GA4fP4ieI 

For those who want to buy the book that goes along with the workbook, it sells for approximately $13 right now (normally 17)

• Covenant Relationship with Kids
• Control is an allusion
• The only one you can control is yourself
• Technique:  "Love and Logic"  used my teachers.   http://www.loveandlogic.com/ 
• Parents Toolbox
• What your parents taught you
• What motivates you - Joy and pain
• Parenting using Fear - there is no fear in love

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20John%204:18&version=NASB

God Bless you all,
Your Sister in Christ,

Sandra